The Hood

I may be four, five or six. There is a hood over my face. It feels burlap. It is either a burlap bag or a hood made out of burlap. It scratches my cheeks and nose. It is hot. There is no air flow because it is tied around my neck. It smells of dirt like an old potato sack.

I can faintly sense that my hands are tied. I am in a sitting position. I think my hands may be tied behind my back because my shoulders and neck are sore as if they have been too long in this awkward position. I cannot see below my head and neck. The image becomes mist. I am sensory aware of the pain in my shoulders and arms.

My heart is thumping. Rapid beats that quicken instantly. The panic is rising. It is the panic that explodes right before my body would begin to fight and struggle.

Another memory of wet sheets/cloths over my face that are so wet I am gasping for air.

That is all I get of these memories. Just fleeting visuals and rapid heart beats. Sweaty palms and bricks on my chest. When I visually see hoods in photos or any other place, a feeling of anxiety and panic begin to rise from my stomach. When I think of my face being covered… Panic.

My mind screams for the rest of it. “Come on! Give it to me!” I want to know why? Where? What happened? Why was I tied and hooded?

It is so frustrating to want to know, needing the closure of the memory. Yet my body is replying “Not yet. You’re not ready.”

What could be worse then what I already know?

And so I wait for the rest to emerge.

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4 comments

  1. Yes! That needing to know *now*, but the body/brain/parts not being able or ready to add to the fragments is something I think many of us relate to.
    Hope you can trust that when the time is right…the missing pieces will fall into place.
    “liking” to show support, though obviously don’t “like” the fact that you’re going through this.

    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have never commented, but I read your blog. This is also so frustrating for us. I don’t know if it is correct to say our walls are still so thick, I think yes, mostly…because we have so many parts we know of..and we know at least that more than one was involved in each trauma. But at this point only one of us will get exactly as you described, a flashback like this, and then it stops…to the point of frustration. Sorry you are dealing with it as well. Sometimes we think we want it so badly, then one will come and we become terrified and think maybe not….but we know it has to be…sorry so long…great post with expressing thank you

    Like

    1. You definitely understand and I appreciate that immensely. The best we can so is process, document, support. It’s an interesting comment when someone says “this is the shit only seen in movies.” Yet who runs Hollywood and who chooses the scripts. So the desensitization to the reality of the suffering of children and the aftermath is extremely apparent. I have an inkling of more of this memory. I know I am waiting my “turn”. I believe there may be things I was hearing that I’m not ready to have to hear again yet, and I’m definitely not ready to know what happened directly to me in this memory or the rest would come. The image has faded somewhat. I have been thinking/feeling some darker paintings coming out of me so there’s a process happening to me. Again – thanks for taking the time. It means a lot that so many of us are able to be here to understand and support each other. ❤

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