A List and a No Show

I make notes before I go to therapy sessions. Mainly because my thoughts become jumbled, I begin to go all over the place, switching and moving through moments, talking so fast my therapist’s head looks like a cat following a laser light.

So if I have a guideline for what I want to discuss I can refer to it, allowing me to remember what we want to talk about. It allows me to keep my/our thoughts organized or I will spiral off on tangents then before I know it, our time is over and Dammit! I didn’t get to discuss everything on the list!

The last few weeks have been personally heavy on many different levels. New Memories emerged. Catastrophic Dreams. An emotionally hurtful situation I experienced that I wanted to talk through with her. One thing I adore about her is that she has an incredibly analytical mind, and she doesn’t bullshit me. I can show her facts and she’ll tell it like it tee eye is, even if I don’t come out the winner. She always has the most amazing feedback and suggestions. She’s a great communicator. The list goes on of why she’s the bee’s knees.

My drive to therapy isn’t short, first of all, and since I have an intense OCD about lateness (I fucking hate it) I’m already watching the time. Add on that each trip in and of itself takes a lot of will power to even get my ass into the car and go.

I really do not like sitting in waiting rooms in general, much less with TV’s blasting medical advice and humans’ energy sitting all around me. It’s not the same as the average arena with the general population. No. I am an Empath sitting in a space filled with people in all levels of emotional pain.

I can feel all of it, see all of it, and I wear headphones to both block it and keep anyone from talking to me. I also wait in my car until right before my appointment so by the time I check in, I’m headed straight to her office.

This week I really needed to just dump it all out on her. I was really looking forward to my session, my list was ready and I’d even brought some factual evidence from a situation for her to look through and give me feedback on how to handle it, etc.

I finally get there, check in, and the receptionist says, “Oh, didn’t they call you? She went home sick today.”

Fuck… No… They didn’t call me. FUCK! What the FUCK! I drove all the way out here, did my usual emotional prepping, and I have a list! A GOTTAMN LIST that needs to be discussed!

“No.” I replied. “No phone call.”

Then the receptionist did something that just almost set me off due to my already flustered state of being. Luckily, I have a good handle on critically thinking and assessing so in the aftermath I just accepted that she probably didn’t know any better.

“Well, [enter another therapist’s name here] is available. Would you like to see her?”

Me: “Does she know anything about my background?”

Receptionist silence.

Me: “Exactly. It would take the whole hour and a half explaining my history to Ms. Temporary Therapist Who Knows Nothing About Me, and then I’d never even get to my list.”

Receptionist stare. Mind read.

“Damn. This chick brings a list.”

Me: “Touch√©.”

Receptionist: “I’m really sorry no one called you.”

Me, rubbing the index card upon which I write my list, softly between my left thumb and forefinger much like the silk lining of the blanket I had as a baby. Self soothing comes in many forms.

“It’s cool. Let’s re-schedule.” I say, softening inside.

Deep breaths. Being in the moment. Letting it all pass. No emotional catastrophes today.

But it rather feels like being stood up on a date, like getting all gussied up and gorgeous just to get a phone call ten minutes before, canceling or worst yet, sitting at the restaurant waiting on a no show.

And I’m just… Left with this damn list until next time.

the beat goes on.

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4 comments

  1. So sorry this happened to you. We frequently get thrown off by even small things, so I can’t even comprehend the devastation that would be caused by an unforeseen cancellation by our T. Office mismanagement has a greater impact than they realize…yet on the flip side, I’m sure it wasn’t an intentional oversight. People who don’t deal with the level of chaos, etc, that we do just don’t understand how important it is for us to be able to depend on someone consistently – and if not, to have fair warning that a change has occurred. I admire you for handling it so well. I hope you’re able to reschedule very soon so you don’t have to sit on your list for too long.

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    1. I so agree. It wasn’t the receptionist’s fault. I usually handle most things with grace outwardly. That may not be what’s going in in my head but I’m a lady. Yes, it definitely throws me off. Especially when I’m looking forward to verbally purging emotion, gettin feedback and then not getting to have it. That really threw me off. ūüôā

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  2. I do not think we could have handled this as well. Especially needing to talk. I did have to laugh when you said “humans energy all around you”..haha..as some of us go through that tremendously..even online..and it was just kind of funny in a yes, I understand way…lol..also the drive is hard, especially as you are not going to something exactly fun….totally understood read. At least you could vent here. Some of us would have vented there. LOL…work in progress I suppose..:)

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    1. Vennie cares about our image, Angie is mortified of making a scene, Knowing says float on through. It’s a collective handling of these situations. Knowing came out strong about 10 years ago and took a big part of the emotional helm. I’m grateful for her. She’s very much a guide. And Angie gets embarrassed “oh, fuck what if people over hear?” Vennie’s like “look good doing it.” And Knowing says “let’s go to the car and head home.”

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