I’ve been observing him for a while. He’s been observing me as well. My first few interactions were kind and somewhat casual. We first began actually conversing privately in July by way of Facebook chat.
I had asked him about his family and his life. He was vague. He had a girlfriend, but was polyamorous. I sensed their rift. I didn’t mention it. I just listened and shared. It wasn’t anything I planned to pursue past friendship, if that.
My stomach felt uneasy from the first conversation. Something felt off. There was a dis genuine energy emitting from him. So I held him at a distance.
He maintained contact with an occasional little one heart emoticon sent through Facebook messenger. I sent positivity back by way of occasional youtube videos or articles I had found.
He never asked me of my life. He never went personal in an attempt to get to know me.
He went sexual.
The first encounter he wanted to do a Skype “cleansing” where he would enter my body and we would be “one” through Skype. He was going to give me a “free trial run” then afterwards, I’d have to pay as a client, of course.
I respectfully declined, explaining I did not have Skype and that was not a comfortable connection for me.
I felt his dislike of my answer because he didn’t get his way. I ignored it, chalking it up to immaturity, but still my intuition was clawing at my stomach and telling me “bad person for you”. I went about my life, being cordial, enjoying his posts at times, interacting with some of them occasionally.
We began a conversation a couple of days ago, and again I saw his manipulation and negative emotions arise when he did not get what he wanted. He claimed that he was particular about his sexuality and wanted to get to know me. Yet his conversation was riddled with sexual innuendo and he never asked one question about me, my work, my life. Nothing.
I explained in detail my discomfort, which of course he said he could heal that because my discomfort was merely me being attached to my past ::victim blaming eye roll:: I found him crass in taking such liberties without my prior consent and without knowing or caring about who I am.
I finally hit the unfollow and de-friend button today after this last conversation which included him gaslighting me as I shared why I had certain boundaries and then accusing me of trying to pick a fight with him (not sure over what exactly). Just typical idiotic gaslighting behavior.
As I sat there reading this stranger’s words, someone I had never met, who represents himself in the progressive love movement as a potential leader, I realized suddenly that not only was he making me uncomfortable he was triggering me.
I was back in the cult, a pre-teen, listening to one of my cult leaders/elders, manipulating my language, shutting me down, degrading my knowledge as if only he had the powerful connection to be “Teacher” and taking advantage of my sexuality.
This person who was accusing me of being attached to a past that I have spent many years dealing with was actually triggering me right back to the same past he was accusing me of not letting go of. What an Oxy-Moron.
It gets better.
I called bullshit on him. When his flowery words didn’t work he then attempted to use my own child abuse and Empathic gifts as a weapon against me. He told me that he was a Seer, too, and that he saw me in a cage as a child.
My choice about that comment in the moment was to completely ignore it. I felt at the time it was important for me to give that specific comment no direct power by even acknowledging that he’d used that tactic. It was a shill move. It was, for me, a signal to say good bye.
As I move away from this ill intended individual I realize how absolutely disgusting that behavior was. He literally blurted out a traumatic vision that he invented as a tactic to hold my attention, a made up vision that wasn’t even related to my abuse in any way. He did not even consider what kind of affect even saying something like that could possibly have on me. His short story in and of itself doesn’t match my abuse, and he vomited it without asking my permission, or feeling out if it was the right time. He represents himself a Healer and yet knows nothing about dealing with trauma survivors. In that, he is a dangerous person to even be around, especially for trauma survivors, if this is his common behavior.
Attacks on our spirit and psyche seem to be on the rise, coming by way of people like this person, for instance. As I have contemplated and meditated on this today, I came to understand there are some real tests in encountering narcissistic individuals.
Mainly I know my boundaries more clearly than ever and that feels great. One way this person gaslighted me was to call my boundaries “attachments”. Two different things. Boundaries define my happiness. Crossing them compromises them. Allowing someone to cross those boundaries and still keeping them around – that’s attachment to old patterns. If I was truly attached to old patterns I might have actually allowed someone like him to remain in my life.
These so called Healers are throwing around the word “attachment” with people whose lives and backgrounds they know little about. It’s harmful behavior and when they are dismissive it creates even more harm. They remind me of the wolf in lambs clothing.
It is alarming the amount of cult like behavior I am seeing from people in this co-conscious movement. This person’s behavior is identical to cult leadership behavior in that when he is in the “public” view, meaning those who actually believe he’s a genuine person, he is all love and oneness.
But behind the scenes he is about control, shutting a person down, getting them to comply and see only his view and anyone with a differing view just hasn’t learned yet. The perfect blueprint for a cult leader. He uses his position, most likely to get women. His last relationship recently ended. I would guess it is partially for this reason.
I have to cut these people off at the pass. Their intention is to suck people into their programs by using their charms, looks and lies that they are a loving and progressive person, but they will not show any interest in a person outside of how it may acquire something for them.
Narcissists have targeted me my whole life. It seems to be a bi-product of being an Empath. What is different for me now than in my past, is that I now can immediately sense it. Where I used to have been sucked in, say with the cage comment, which in my earlier days would have had me defensive, I can now tell Friend from Ploy and continue on my mission.
I don’t get swept up in group think. That is not to say I do not have similar thoughts, beliefs and preferences as others, but I do not need a group or a following to validate me. I share my heart and those who want to connect will. I don’t need a group to be a living example of what brings me joy. So tonight I went on a social purge, and that feels good; to rid that energy from weighting me down online as I stay focused on my own reason for being here
and that’s my current daily grind.
My mantra today: If it doesn’t contribute to my greater good it must go.