Pounding Pages

While Adele was chasing pavement, I was chasing memories in the pages of “Cult Child“. Now, she accompanies me as I “go over everything” in the “Cult Child” sequel, “Rise of Sila”.

Pages come in spurts between resting and remaining balanced for another emotional journey into lost innocence, trailer parks, a narcissistic mother, an undefined multiple me and time behind bars.

Sometimes, as I am writing, my mind releases to a distant place where I look back and wonder how this was my life. Deep inside, a purpose drives me. It is a reason I continue on.

I spend my time passing knowledge on to anyone who will stop and pay attention. I want you to know about the children no one checks on. I want you to know about the illusions which exist in the advocacy world. I want you to know how short staffed law enforcement teams are and how seemingly un-interested the FBI is in making this virus of pedophilia and child abuse a priority.

I think about my country, our right to make citizens arrests and our rights to freely investigate without stalking. I wonder if citizens could become partners with law enforcement. I wonder if we could switch out the hundreds of thousand of prison inmates who are jailed for cannabis, with hundreds of thousands of pedophiles and child abusers.

Who do you want on your street corner? The hippie or the child lover?

As I work inside the web of my personal goals, focusing first on my own self empowerment, then to those whom I can support in positive growth, I realize how much of the problem with child abuse can be monitered through citizen volunteerism.

CASA is a great place to start. If there isn’t one in your city, consider contacting them on how to start a chapter. It’s a good way to get started in helping protect child rights.

Most of all, pound out your own pages, whatever they look like. Release your own aches so they can be replaced with passion for others.

I am pounding out the pages of my past in sporatic language vomiting. It tells the truth about this twisted world, from inside the thoughts of my own young mind.

I am Sila Caprin. I survived. We are scribing more memories, in sync with exploring new emergences, through our cave guide, Hyro.

The Collective

Un-Acknowledged

What does it feel like
To be a ghost shunned;
A soul un-grieved,
Un-missed and unforgiven?

In the hovering bowels
Of mysticism where the
Cynics hang their hats,
She waits to be
Acknowledged.

In these times there
Is a satisfaction in this
Inter-dimensional reaction;
When spirit feels the wishing
Just like we did
When we were little
And hurting.

“You are undeserving.”

I see her there
Weeping. She is
Repeating all of the
Mistakes that
Make her ache, but

You see, it’s
Not up up to me to
Provide relief.

There are grave
Consequences for
Actions, and sometimes
They get passed on
To the next
Generation.

Mistakes can’t be erased.
Absolution is a
Figment of your
Imagination, so I say
Proceed on with caution.

Meanwhile, she
Hangs from the eave,
Hovering,
Hoping to be
Seen by me, and I
Wince inwardly.

I remind myself that
She is the reason
I have moments of freezing
Dead in my skin and
How hard I have
Had to fight to win,
So no, without emotion, I
Leave her restless
In eternal hoping.

©venniekocsis.com

Being a Medium For Other People’s Trauma

I can feel her very strongly as soon as I walk through the door. We are the only two people here in the lobby. I am waiting to see my therapist. This woman at the table is filling out paperwork, it appears, for her first time here.

She has shoulder length, dark brown hair, and is nicely dressed in a skirt, boots and a matching jacket. I sense that she feels her appearance will make her seem less “crazy”; if she dresses nicely. She doesn’t know that she isn’t crazy. She is a victim and her sadness runs deep.

I am feeling her energy so strongly that it is affecting my physical body. I know this heavy chest I’m suddenly feeling is not mine nor is the tight throat. This did not start until I walked into the waiting room and saw her.

I am writing this now on my phone notepad as I watch her, mainly as a deterrent, so I don’t empathically become impulsive and blurt out talking to her.

When she’s filling out the forms she is agitated. I watch her shift and rub her forehead then finally throw her pen roughly into her purse. In that time period she is also angry.

I can see in my mind someone who feels like her father. He is dark haired. It is short, almost black, hair. He has a narrow, fairly pointed nose and sinister, cold dark eyes. He feels tall and skinny. Now I am sad and tearful inside my body, and my skin has chills with my arm hairs standing up. His energy is thick and mean.

She is reading through all the paperwork of disclaimers, and I am reading her.

My mouth is watering through some nausea. I count my breaths to calm down, reminding myself to stay steady.

My therapist comes through the front door and briefly cuts the connection as she walks between us.

I’ll be right with you.” She says to me as she heads to the back, leaving me alone with the girl again.

Now I see his hand. He is holding a belt that is folded in half, and his hand is more into the middle of it and not towards the belt buckle. He was a disciplinarian who favored exact blows of holding the belt in a more controlled way, as opposed to swinging it and letting it land anywhere on her body.

I want to ask her. I want to verify what I’m seeing. I am deeply fighting this urge. I don’t see small child sexual abuse. I see consistent physical abuse. I do see sexual satiation in her older life, a leaning toward zoning out through sexual escapades of feeling good in the moment.

As she reads her papers, I am feeling her mind, which is currently split between the memories she is about to have to talk about and what she is trying to focus in on reading and absorbing.

I can’t ever say what I see directly to the person I see it about. It’s invasive and could be triggering to them. It’s such a hard position for me to be in when I feel so many multiple things. I want to comfort them. I also so, so badly always want to know if what I’m seeing is correct.

Yet, I cannot say to strangers, “I see your father holding a belt.”

This could cause more trauma for them, and I’m just not comfortable doing that, so I release it.

These moments are sometimes difficult for me as an Empath. I feel compelled to connect to a person in these moments. It’s part of why too much public activity is not an active choice for me.

I can spend a lot of time seeing into someone’s life, something I consider a gift that I cannot necessarily use for anything openly. I can give quiet empathy or only talk about it, if the other person initiates it.

As I watch her, I see she is struggling with something inside of her, something she isn’t sure she wants to talk about. Something with her father. She is having conflicted feelings of having to talk about her father. I am trying to figure out what that is, I get a slight sense she feels sorry for him at times for some reason, maybe his own childhood or times when he was good to her.

She does not look up or over at me once. She is emotionally frozen in time, memories and pain in her own space.

I wish I could tell her that I know this feeling; this throat lump I am physically feeling from her right now. She is just beginning this healing journey. I want to reach out badly, if just to say, I see and understand.

I wonder sometimes if I relayed to someone what I saw, if it would give them validation or comfort. Especially people like her, who come into my field waves very, very strongly.

Yet, I always stay silent. Right now I am pushing away the urge to speak with her by sitting here writing this out on my phone instead.

Post therapy continuance:

My therapist opened the door at this time to call me back to her office. I didnt see the other woman again.

When empathic energy displays images of other people’s lives, it takes constraint to resist the urge to give them a hug.

At times I feel like a medium for other people’s trauma.

Abused Children Wear Multiple Faces

What the un-abused cannot understand is how a child can be raped and defiled, then smile at school the next day.

What I can say as a sex and physical child abuse survivor is that a lot of us victims don’t fully understand it either, except to explain that this is where fragmentation of the mind happens.

We function in multiple settings, some violent and horrific, some considered normal, and we move between these fragments in order to survive. As a species, we don’t fully understand the absolute capacity we have to get through horrible events and experiences. So, in order to thrive, there must be in all of us, an acceptance, instead of a need for explanations or closure that we may never recive.

Why do evil humans do what they do?

Who cares.

Let’s stop them.

We spend more time researching, than we do focusing in on victim rehabilitation and harsh sentencing for perpetrators.

We spend more time debating theologies on news panels for television time, than we do walking into the lives of the victims so we can truly understand what they have experienced.

If you want a solution to an epidemic like child abuse, ask some of us victims. You will find that maybe you should listen to us, whether you agree with our view or not. If you have not been a victim you really aren’t the expert. The victim is. To put yourself in your own absolute bubble makes you a part of the problem.

Start to listen, as we are speaking very loudly, and our Survivor Voices are rapidly growing.

Cult Child at Amazon:

When Childhood Gaps Haunt You

I wish I had one less tear for every time I heard the advice to stay more focused on the future than I do the past. Or one less ache for the unsolicited opinion that letting go is always best.

I have spent many years contemplating this.

I revert to the line in a journal that was gifted to me. It says, “Remember to get through it. Don’t stay in it.”

I’ve met many abuse survivors who have all of their memories. I have felt a mixed twinge of jealousy that they remember everything and sadness that they recall all of the hurt. Still, there are some of us survivors with time gaps.

For me, those gaps are not completely blank. They hold flash and impression memories. Flash memories are 3-10 second images which sometimes have no specific beginning, sometimes no end or sometimes both. Impression memories are feelings and thoughts for which there are no accompanying images. Both of these types of memories are cloaked with a big question mark.

There is no closure for them. To forget and let them go is as impossible as the inevitable fact that if one tries to stay awake for as long as possible, eventually, they will fall asleep. The memory will go nowhere whether we will it to or not.

Therefore, instead, to dive into the dark and dismal pits is sometimes the definitive path to wholeness. To finally reach the destination may include feeling our way through some very dark hallways and caves.

The key to this expedition is behavioral awareness. There will be tears and weariness. There will be moments of wanting to give up. There will be times anger will emerge. Being aware of whether or not this is affecting our behavior is important, as it affects those connected to us, our health and well being.

Balance is the ying to the yang. It must be set in place by way of grounding into the present. Dissociation begins with physical symptoms such as a heavy chest, difficulty breathing, rapid heartbeat, nausea, tunnel vision and more.

To dive into the abyss requires a safety belt and a wire. It is not impossible. The more we care for and accept signals from our physical form, the more the gateways of the mind become open.

To enter the haunted house, one must remember the number one rule.

It is not real. Right now, in the present, it is not real. It is a memory. We get to control our response to it. We get to be patient as we learn how to enact that control.

And once our bodies have become accustomed to the trapeze, to know there will always be a net, we can be free to swing between the poles of our soul gaps.

And all that is darkness will be exposed by the light. As horrible as it will be, don’t turn your eyes. Let the images and accounts embed themselves so deep, that you never lose your empathy.

Are You Afraid To Write Your Trauma?

We are often encouraged to write out our trauma memories. As an author, I am definitely a supporter of this process and understand what it can do for the mind, body and spirit.

Often I have spoken with trauma survivors who don’t have any kind of outlet for the pain they are holding in. So it sits in their skin like weights. It becomes despair, sinking them deeper into hopelessness and the unknown.

When I ask them if they’ve ever tried writing out these moments, there is one phrase I hear the most.

“I’m not a very good writer.”

This is what has inspired me to share some things with you about the writing process.

Writing out your trauma has nothing to do with whether you deem yourself a prolific writer or not. Writing out your trauma is simply about getting it out.

In her book, “PTSD: Time To Heal”, Cathy O’Brien stresses the importance of writing by hand. I completely agree and have at least 5-6 journals going at once. For me, the reason I hand write certain things is because it makes my brain slow down. It lets me really pause to do sensory recall. I sometimes will have a crude, coinciding sketch emerge.

I also can tell who inside of me is scribing based on my handwriting. One of us writes in all caps. Another tends to use cursive. Another is messy and lazy with writing, and her wrist will start burning and become tired quickly. A couple speak telepathically and I am their scribe.

My writing out a memory may, in the beginning, look like this:

Potato dugout
So dark in here
Smells like mold
Do demons really lurk in shadows?
Don’t want to go back there in the back part.
What if a demon gets inside of me?
Where is the boy who usually is here to help?
I hope it’s not a mean boy.

I don’t always use full sentences. I get in a first person voice so I can re-visit it in the present. I will use fragments of sentences, literally writing whatever comes to my mind. Sometimes more information about that memory will come later, and I will go back to write more on that particular page.

The point, you see, is not to feel the pressure of writing well, or to put out a novel or even a blog, unless you want to. It has nothing to do with writing skills and everything to do with Purging and Visualizing.

Have you ever had a difficult time grasping a concept until you saw it outlined for you? Our memories can work the same way. Writing out even one or two word phrases can open up our minds, expansively allowing more to emerge.

So when you are writing out your trauma, remember it’s not about the manner of your writing. It’s about the ink letting of your pain.

Remember to get through it, and not stay in it.

Is Religion the Trauma Survivor’s Band-Aid®?

I have spent the better part of my adult life studying to understand the relationship between religion and the human mind. Growing up conditioned and abused by religion, at times, I am told I hate religion because it abused me.

In my book, “Cult Child“, I travel into where my young mind existed. Even though I grew up in a religious based, highly abusive and fear driven cult, as a child, I had deep inner insight. It was the adults around me who attempted to infiltrate and erase my original self. I always had a slight flame of knowing which told me this religious belief system was questionable. As a child, I saw the contradictions in the Christian religion. Yet, fear of being wrong held me compliant to the brainwashing.

After leaving Sam Fife’s Move of God cult, I remained in a fear-based mindset, wavering between my religious conditioning and the new information I now had access to in the secular world through books, my peers and other mediums. I was soaking up everything I could. In my twenties I moved into atheism. When the Internet launched I studied more religions, from Mormons to Islam to Santeria to transcendental meditation, oneness concepts and more.

I had a period of my life where I needed to understand my European ancestors, diving into pagan history and it’s morphing into religion, bringing them to America as brutal, religious tyrants. I dove into my Cherokee lineage, which was infiltrated by my European ancestors, wanting to understand all other spiritual practices of both sides.

By the time I moved into my late thirties and early forties, my mind had fully released believing in any systems outside of myself. No longer was there a being in control of my mind or dictating who I was or how I should behave. I had self-integrated MPD alters, dug into the depths of my DNA and realized I am the one in control of me. It is my sole responsibility to create my peace and be accountable for myself and my behaviors.

I lost all fear of death. I had never had too much concern over what happened to me after I died. Having experienced trauma based near death experiences as a child, I understand dimensional universal physics, and so reality based thinking became and still is my complete mindset.

I identify with no label or group. It is the most free my mind has ever felt. I stand within my own empathic molecular origins, a scientific morphing through time and space. Answering to myself and no one else has given me a feeling of mental completeness. While my human existence deals with trauma based bi-product, I became more functional as I became more self-empowered. I became able to identify and explore my abuse based programming.

When I began to connect with fellow trauma survivors, both online and offline, I spent the years observing them. I became interested in a specific pattern that emerged through my observations. I was finding so many trauma survivors who stated they did not find healing until they either met the Judea-Christian God or re-established their own relations with a God figure they had re-defined to fit what made them feel good or felt “right” to them. Some survivors moved from one religious mindset to a different one, claiming the new one as the real one, the one which healed them.

This inspired an urge in me to want to understand deeper, one, why so many trauma survivors felt healed once they found a religion and two, what was keeping them from finding healing in just believing fully in themselves.

In my own self-exploration, I did not truly begin to feel healed and whole until I had released believing in anything outside of myself. I want the same for these survivors.

I observe behavior deeply. I watch those who say they’ve been healed by religion, begging for prayer as they move through triggers, difficult times in their lives, anxieties, depressions, eating disorders, alcoholism, drug addiction, religious based delusions of grandeur and more.

I wonder to myself.

If a person believes that a prayer can work to heal them, what is blocking them from believing that they have the same mental capability to heal themselves? In a rush to heal, have they simply picked up a religious cane to help them get through life? What would happen to them if tomorrow they woke up and religion did not exist in their minds? How would they get through their days?

I have attempted to have these discussions with religious people. They can’t seem to wrap their own heads around the possibility that they could ever be a whole person without their religion. They say it makes them feel good. So does heroin. They say prayer makes them feel peaceful. So does a warm bath, laughter, a soft violin or a walk in nature.

This line of conversation has most often led to a shut down. Suddenly the survivor feels judged. I watch their behavior, most often, un-aligned with their own belief system. I realize that there is a deeper layered issue that exists in so many trauma survivors, and it could be blocking their own final healing. It began to hold me back from these discussions as I saw they were most times conversations which just created tension.

I hope that soon, trauma survivors will take the final step into their own clear minds, using grounding tools instead of prayer. Using Sunday mornings to rest and care for themselves or having brunch with other survivors who have learned to completely thrive on their own individual and unique pure will and strength instead of rushing off to a church to give away money or say penance for their weekly “sins” or doubts.

Believing that our existence is controlled and owed to an invisible entity, being or anything outside of ourselves is an emotional trauma based, self-defeating mindset, and the believer cannot understand this. It is a combination of absent critical thinking coupled with cognitive dissonance.

Religion tells the trauma survivor that through worship and belief, they will feel healed. They do, because their minds, an injection needle, convinces their DNA that they will feel better with this drug called religion. It is a mental form of pharmaceutical treatment.

Some might say. “Well, if it is working, then why change it?”

Yet, is it working? If prayer heals. If God makes lives better, there would be no religious alcoholics, drug addicts, food addicts, angry religious people who shut down, carry low self-esteem, have inabilities to be loyal, maliciousness and more behavioral issues which exist inside of the religious communities.

The religious answer would be that God gave the humans free will; that they choose to be this way and REAL religious people don’t have behavioral issues. This concept is illusionary. The most grounded people I know became that way partially through finally empowering themselves away from outside beliefs.

This concept that a god can both heal and reject healing, just sinks the mind further, as it presents deep, subliminal contradictions. God will heal you if you pray enough, but if you don’t become healed, well that’s your fault for not being faithful, for not praying enough, it’s not your time yet, you’re learning patience, and the reasons god didn’t answer is a long list.

There’s a psychological term for HUMANS who enact this type of behavior: narcissistic crazy makers and gas lighters.

There is something askew in the mind of a human who won’t allow these adverse behaviors from other humans, but believe they must accept the same adverse behaviors from an invisible entity.

The move from believing in outside control belonging to a deity, to critically thinking in total self-empowerment, is one small step of choice to becoming self empowered.

Yet, for so many, it’s a step which either does not exist due to their need for belief, or it feels too big for many survivors to take. While they may say it doesn’t, guilt and fear of a hell or a non-afterlife, still holds them inside a web of hope that everything in their life will be better if they just believe and give their worries to a God. Or, for some, the thought of standing “alone” or in the “unknown” is too terrifying.

While I do not spend my time specifically trying to de-evangelize humans one on one, I stand in my own space, on my personal forums, expressing this concern for those who care to consider it. For me, it is a concerning epidemic that contributes to the shattering of a human mind, not a mending.

I ask religious people to truly consider the generational belief systems passed to them as an answer for healing and the danger they create if they pass this disempowerment to their children.

Instead of using phrases like “All things are possible with God.“, simply saying “You have the abilities to create whatever you decide is possible.” changes the way a child feels about who they are personally. Religion does not self-empower a child ever. Eventually in life, things fall, and religion doesn’t fix it. We fix ourselves.

I ask religious survivors what would their fall back coping skills and joy centers be without religion. If they feel they would not have one, then I dare say they are not healed. They are living inside of a level of brainwashing which has convinced them they are, or that they will find it inside of something beyond themselves.

I challenge those who need belief, to ask themselves what keeps them from fully believing in themselves; from looking around at the empowered individuals who have come full circle into themselves without religion.

I say, that when the mind is open fully; when the mind meets itself; there is a clarity that no religion can ever provide. Our DNA awakens in us, finally free to live authentically in its cleansed state. In that feeling, there is the purest joy one could ever imagine. It is the joy of finally taking back control of our own lives and standing inside of authentic accountability.

So spend time meeting yourself purely. Who were you before you were indoctrinated as a child? How would you have healed as an adult if religion was non-existent for you to find? Spend time with your own body cells and DNA, listening to YOU!

It is a scientific fact that your body will speak to you. Your body will tell you how to heal its traumatic pieces, and you will be so empowered, that your health light will shine on its own for all to see. And you will get the full credit that you deserve for the work that you solely have done.

This is empowerment.

Vennie Kocsis is a cult survivor, author and advocate. She speaks openly about self-empowerment and the deprogramming of the human mind back to its authentic state.